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Permanent Coats

by Caleb Smith

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1.
In the Yard 05:31
First off, you are on your own. Where the hell were you when I was all alone? Secondly, get up off your knees. Oh God you look so damn pathetic and you can hardly breath. I met you in the yard; tears were streaming all across your face. You said you lost something you can't replace. Oh how the moments fade. Oh how we struggle to erase the things we've made. I know what it feels like watching someone die and holding on to fleeting breaths you selfishly supply. I kissed you on the mouth and you told me this was it; I made you a promise and you pretended to believe I'd keep it. Oh how the moments fade. Oh how we struggle to erase the things we've made. Oh how we will replace the things we once held so close to our face. So take your truth and run. Hold it close to your heart. Don't let anyone tear it apart. Oh how the moments fade. Oh how we struggle to erase the things we've made. Oh how it seems to be the case, we've spent our whole lives searching for something we lost along the way. Let's go back to where we started out. We're looking for answers to all the wrong questions. So let's go back and retrace all our steps. I see the truth is so clear now; and I can't let you go.
2.
Don’t sweat it. Rest your head. It’ll get better. And you’ll be happy long be you’re dead. When I met you, you were just a little girl. As the years past, you added substance to my empty world. Now we’re older. We’re closed certain doors. I am weaker. And you are not as harmless as before. Now, all I see is you. Still, all I see is you. Five minutes longer is all you ever want. And five years later you don’t know where the hell the years have gone. I miss you but I know that I can’t have you. I miss you but I can never be with you again.
3.
Painter 02:15
I want to be a painter but you are not a canvas, and love is not a brush. We are only human and humans have weaknesses; and we unfortunately includes both of us. I want to be a carpenter but this is not a building that can't be destroyed; there are things you can't avoid. I wish that I could show you the way that I see you. But words will fail and pictures are never quite to scale. I don't want to live like this (for too long). I don't want to let you go (at least not yet). Don't make me live like this. (I want to feel you back in my arms) Don't make me let you go (forever, no).
4.
Bury my bones and I’ll sing you to sleep— not like I used to; this time I mean what I say when I say it; don’t make me repeat myself anymore than I already have. Dig me up when the timing is right. Dust me off. Look at what I have become.
5.
We appeared out of nowhere and fortuitously we evolved. We’ve gotten to know ourselves better, or at least we’re more aware of our flaws. I’m almost convinced it was your fault, and you’re convinced that I’m a liar. I sure as hell didn’t light that match. But it’s possible I caught you on fire. I’ll be gone by the afternoon. But I’ll still be thinking of you. You’ll remember me for the things I’ve done not the things I wanted to do. I’m the table where you wrote our love and past the pages you bled through. In my rotting wood lies truth that you never could face though it chased you and finally bit you. We used to run around naked while they dressed up in their fanciful clothes. Our quiet reasoning is much too loud— made up of poignant echoes. I will fight the good fight whatever the hell that means. Our permanent coats are much too dirty for any amount of scrubbing to wash them clean. In the garden where we made our home, I plant a seed and bury you. Out of my cradle, I lye in your grave, still mesmerized by illusions of truth. You said our mistakes make us stronger. But what really have we learned. I sure as hell didn’t light that match but I sat by and watched you burn.
6.
You sat on the corner. You were holding your head in your hands. The moon framed your body in a way I can’t forget. I asked, “Can I help you?” You said, “I doubt it, but you can try. I’ve travelled such a long way to reach a destination that I despise.” Don’t worry darling; don’t give in. Just get back on your feet and start again. We painted a picture of our lives when we were young. And looking at it now, oh, how the colors they have run. And our friends they all tell us that we really don’t stand a chance, that the only thing that’s certain is that everything ends with disappointment. But don’t worry lover, we are blessed. And we’ve got all the freedom to make decisions for ourselves. The only thing that’s certain is that I do love you, and I always have.
7.
I put you in my pocket and I never took you out It's not that I meant to I just couldn't shake my doubts And I will never let you go I will never let you go There's a hole in my pocket and you're slipping through it now I'm trying to live without you but I don't remember how I will never let you go but I can never let you know (that I'm lost without you) I'm just a piece of paper and I can't erase your ink I don't want to say it I don't even want to think (about anything) There is consolation in pretending not to feel But if this was fake then tell me what the hell is real I guess I should be happy now I can go through with all my plans I don't want to say it but I don't even know who I am (without you) This is just what happens, right? We're only human; this is only foresight. But if this was false, then what the hell is true? If this is me, then who the hell are you?
8.
Sinker 02:25
Wait. Lay down slow. The people we’ve been do not resemble who we’ll be tomorrow. I wish you’d go away. I wish I could escape from you and the things you do and the words you say but I can’t. I probably never will. You’re so ingrained in me that to destroy you is to destroy myself. Sometimes it’s easy just to speak. The only time I don’t think of you with him is when you’re with me. But it’s poison to the touch. It’s only temporary. It’s a drug; it’s a fix; it’s a crutch. But I don’t know how to swim. You might disagree but I think I’d rather float forever than sink
9.
My House 01:23
Get the hell out of my house. You used to be my friend, well fuck you too. Get the hell out of my house. I’m angry as hell; I’ve got a gun in my hand; don’t make me shoot. Words are just words. But when everything got quiet your knife was all I heard.
10.
Walk Slow 01:20
Walk slow as you trample on my hope. We’re suffocating slowly and we don’t even know. I’m scared of being lonely but I’m even more afraid of being alone.

about

I wrote and recorded these songs during a very pivotal, and exceptionally depressing, time in my life. This compilation of songs is a testament of the roller coaster of emotions I experienced, and the various phases I went through, over a period of about six weeks from April to June 2012.

Some of these songs are incomplete; more polished versions of songs will probably be included in some subsequent release. However, I am content releasing this record in it's current form because I feel that delaying the release indefinitely would hinder, and likely distort, the raw nature of emotion these songs were intended to convey.

credits

released June 29, 2012

Thanks to Josh Sorrells for gracing this record with his masterful whistling abilities and backing vocals on tracks 1 and 3.

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Caleb Smith Clemson, South Carolina

Caleb Smith is an American singer-songwriter.

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